Mommin’ in the Foreign Service
Regardless of where in the world you are or how many kids you have, being a parent is universally tough. What’s it like being a working mom in the foreign service? Here is my personal and very humble experience.
I was feeling fairly confident in our decision to join the FS, but about two weeks before we were due to depart for Bujumbura. I would wake up in an anxious panic ruminating about my life choices. Was i really heading out to rural Africa with a toddler?! What if he had a life threatening emergency? Would I have to be the one to resuscitate him? What if he got Malaria?
Life in the bay area and in the U.S. in general is very organized and predictable and it took some time for me to let go of that control. For example, thinking of enrolling your kid in kindergarten in San Francisco? Well you better start 2 years in advance, but rest easy because for a nominal fee you can pay someone to help you beef up your kiddos resume!! That’s right a resume for your toddler that is eating chicken off the floor….
Fast forward to Burundi, we showed up at the school, took a tour, registered him and he started the next day. The ease of it all was freeing! I couldn’t help but think why is this so complicated back home?!
If you are thinking of joining the FS but having some parental doubts, I can’t completely allay those fears but here are a few of my thoughts good and bad:
In general, other cultures are much more forgiving to children in public. This is a big one. Before we left San Francisco, we were having a goodbye dinner with friends at a local restaurant and a couple of curmudgeons felt the need to slam their fists on the table and yell at us to “Shut your F’n kids up”. The kids were terrified and we were in shock that a total stranger felt it was appropriate to yell at us like this- especially in a loud and bustling restaurant. Being out with kids in Burundi and other countries in general has been a completely different experience. It’s not uncommon to find kids out at restaurants at all hours, and it’s totally a family affair with NO judgement. In the majority of countries we have been to, people are doting and kind to kids in public. I’ve loved this cultural shift of a community caring for everyone’s children and seeing kids as a natural and welcome part of society.
The foreign service life provides a modicum of financial freedom. Because we are essentially free of most bills- no rent, utilities etc. and we are often living in locations with a lower cost of living, you will likely have a larger disposable income than you did previously. This allows most people to hire in home staff, something that may have been unattainable back home. Once your kiddo turns 5 you will also receive an educational stipend- so education is essentially free and the quality of international schools is usually quite good (of course location dependent.). We are currently paying Chotu’s school fee’s because he is 4 and preschool is not covered. As a reference we are paying $2,000 USD per year for preschool and this is probably the priciest school in town.
Kids are resilient. Granted I came in with a toddler so this life will be all he knows. I’m sure middle school and high school kids would be a totally different ball game- but i’m in awe of how Chotu has taken to his new life. There were low moments initially- increase in tantrums and potty training regressions but things have equalized. I’ve now met several young adults that grew up as FS kids and I think that growing up in this lifestyle generally creates well rounded and thoughtful kids.
I’m still grappling with all the transitions in our future- and how changing schools & locations will affect him as he gets older. I don’t have any answers on this one. We may never do a DC tour, and so there is a chance we will only spend home leave (time off in between tours) and some holidays in the U.S. Not a terrible thing but a lot of people in the FS talk about the challenges of “Third culture kids”. It is kids that are raised in a culture different from their parents or the country of their nationality, and they may sometimes struggle with identity. This article is a good read on the topic and this is a link to a thoughtful and articulate TED talk on the subject from a FS kid. As another example, Barack Obama was a third culture kid and that turned out pretty well for him- so no pressure Chotu but Obama is the benchmark here!
But will he be a spoiled brat? During orientation one of our group facilitators who spent his life as a foreign service kid did an informational brown bag on his experience. One of the take home points for me was: make sure your kids know how to do their own laundry and make themselves a sandwich. Pretty basic concept- but you would surprised how this lifestyle can turn even the most well intentioned person into an entitled diplomatic nightmare. I hope that growing up around the world gives Chotu perspective and I will work hard to make sure he grows into an empathic and conscientious human that can stand on his own two feet.
Challenges, I’m still navigating- Now for some things that I have had difficulty with. V has had to take several long work trip back to the U.S. During these 2 weeks or so that I’m alone with Chotu it can be tricky. His school is only half a day and that requires me to go pick him up on my lunch break, drop him at home with the nanny and head back to work- not ideal but it’s short term so doable. (and I’m super lucky that I have a nanny to watch him when I go back to work- that privilege is not lost on me). This got me thinking that if there was an emergency in the middle of the night that I had to attend to while V was out of town, I would need a childcare plan. For his next trip I will probably ask a friend from the embassy if they would be willing to come over in the middle of the night to stay with Chotu if this happened. This is a very specific medical provider problem- as we are on call 24/7.
What about single parents? There are plenty of single parents in the FS, but the “on-call” during after hours is the main situation I can think of that could be tricky for a single parent medical provider- but it’s not an insurmountable problem. There is always the option of live-in staff (in most austere locations there is room for this in our housing- posted in Tokyo well then maybe not). The embassy community so far seems to be very tight knit. I’m sure if there was a true medical emergency plenty of people would rally and step up to assist in childcare.
These are just my random musings on the topic- I’m obviously still learning and it’s such a subjective and unique experience.
As always- mom’s (and all parental figures) are rockstars go on with your bad self. I see you!
